I used to overthink every single day and I really have the most cliché backstory on why, but I mean it is cliché for a reason – way too many people can relate to it. So here I’m sharing what caused my overthinking in the first place, where it led me and how I eventually learned to manage it. I’m not saying that this is the only way to live with it, we are all different and there isn’t one fix that suits everyone, but if you have a similar mind to mine, this can be helpful. And also, I guess I still might overthink sometimes, but it’s not at all in the same level as it used to be, and nowadays I know how to handle it in a way that suits me.
The backstory
Okay, here we go… Like many of us, I searched meaning from the outside, I was desperate about being single and a lot of my self doubt came from feeling unlovable, since I had never been in a romantic relationship.
It was something that made a huge impact on why I felt so empty inside, because I needed someone else to tell me I’m lovable and good enough. I am someone who needs to learn from experience, so it took me one not so good relationship to understand that being in a relationship was not the fix I needed… but I do remember how having no experience in romantic love made me very unsure if I was ever going to experience it. So a lot of my overthinking came from doubting if anyone would ever love me and it took so much of my brain capacity that I couldn’t focus on the things I was actually interested in.
However, being insecure made me want to be better. That was how I ended up getting into self development, I wanted to be cool and someone who people would love. So at first I didn’t do it for myself, I did it to be liked. And of course, that led to me blindly following every superficial piece of advice I saw. I didn’t have any opinion of my own and didn’t know what I wanted, so I ended up trying to do way too much. And you already guessed where that led me – to more self doubt and overthinking.
How I changed for the better
Not gonna lie, it took me a couple of years to get where I am now, which is having a much healthier mind and believing in myself. For a long time I only tried doing the physical self development practices, like trying to eat healthier, add movement, look better… Of course those are important, but I seriously neglected doing the inner work. But once I started to focus on that, I started feeling the change and finding the things that actually bring me joy and purpose.
So, how did I learn to manage overthinking? Well, I stopped trying to stop it. I used to feel like one should have a quiet mind to be at peace, but that’s not always the case. I started to think deeper. Instead of trying to push the unpleasant thoughts away, I started to take a closer look at them. I started to question where the thoughts came from. Ask yourself “Are these thoughts really mine, or did I pick them up outside?”. I questioned the limiting beliefs until they didn’t make sense anymore or until I at least knew the reason why I had them. Sometimes just knowing that there was a reason for self doubt and it wasn’t “just the way I am” helped me realise that if there’s a reason to have unpleasant thoughts and feelings, there can also be a reason to have pleasant thoughts and feelings. Keep asking “Why do I feel like this?”, “What makes me feel like this?”. Identifying the root causes of your beliefs gives you something to start working on.
And honestly, I still have a very active mind, the only difference is what my thoughts are made of. I still love thinking but I try not to obsess over things I’m uncertain about anymore. Instead I try to focus on the things that I do know, or I put actual work into the things I’m unsure of, to become sure of them. And I have to address the importance of honesty with this one. Be suuuuper honest with how you feel. That’s the thing that will help you make decisions. Learn to respect your emotions and trust your intuition. For me, journaling was the best way to get to know myself. It allows me to understand my thoughts and emotions better and get everything on the surface from the back of my mind.
The last thing I want to remind you of is, not everything is meant for everyone and even though you might feel like you should do something, because everyone else is doing it, you really don’t have to. Learn to believe that. And I say learn, because trusting yourself is a skill that needs practice, and you have to give yourself time to become good at it.
Key takeaways
As always, take what resonates with you and ignore the rest. If you related to the above, here are some practical steps you can try to manage your overthinking.
- Identify the root causes of your overthinking. What is causing you to be so uncertain? Where do those beliefs come from? Do they really make sense?
- Accept having an active mind and make the choice to start practicing thinking in a more supportive way. Be patient with yourself, supportive thinking is a skill that needs practice.
- Understand that you are allowed to be you, you don’t have to do the same things everyone else is doing. Do what makes you happy.